Jobs

The right decision.

Back in January I was looking for a new job. I knew my time with my family was coming to an end around june and wanted to make sure I went straight from one job to another.
I had heard about a news anchor for global news who had triplets on my bday actually, which I felt was a sign. The thought of newborn triplets was very attractive to me. But they lived in Oakville and I had not heard from them directly, only thru a friend and after leaving my phone number a couple of times I stopped calling. I mean I can take a hint that they don't want to talk to me. So a very nice email was sent out by my boss to all her contacts.

I went for numerous interviews. My first one being with a family with four kids and two cats. Ppl said I was mad to go for it cos I am allergic to the cats and four kids is about two kids too many. LOL
I was getting quite unsettled as it was becoming clear to me that a family willing or able to provide me with a car was not going to happen. So I thought about it and decided to see if I took the car out of the package.. maybe that would make a differance. The T family then said I could take the vehicle I currently drive with me when I left. So it seemed things were falling into place. I immediately went to the first family I met with. (four kids two cats) and presented the new case. And so to cut a long story short here I am.

I have four kids in a chaotic, fun, challenging home. I am very happy. No regrets at all. So here I am settling in nicely. Forming a good relationship with the parents and kids. Then I bump into the friend of the news lady. 'oh jayne, we have been trying to find you. they lost your number. They want you to work for them' I was so shocked. Then someone else told me that a friend of theirs was moving into the area with a two year old and was expecting twins. Oh how great that would have been too. I thought it would unsettle me. I thought I would regret my hasty acceptance of this job. But no. I am very happy. What more could a person ask for?

It all makes me smile how things play out. I know I made the right decision. But it also made me feel good egowise, to know that there were other people out there that wanted me too. :o)

Fathers day.

Never gave this day much thought really. Always did the obligatory card and phone call. Not really giving it 100% or really recogising what it was really about other than the commercialism of it all. Not until two years ago. Well not really two whole years but two fathers days ago. When I realised that I didn't have to buy a card and a gift. That the chore that at times frustrated me wasn't necessary anymore. Dad wasn't here anymore to recieve them.

It still is so very raw. The death of a parent is a fact of life. People get old and they die. Sad but unfortunately unavoidable. The unexpected and violent death of a parent I think is incomprehensible. The unaswerable questions are torture, they rattle around in my head til I bury them away. Then of course they come and bite my arse when I least expect it.

Then there are the days designed to make you think about fathers and their influences, fathers day being one of them. How I reflect on past years when the conversations were trite and my aim of the call was to see if I could get Dad to stay on the phone longer than the last time we spoke. So I would ask stupid questions about weather and orchids etc. No depth to the conversation, nothing I can draw on to bring me comfort in my times of despair re his passing.

So I think about fathers day and my father and try to remember the good fun times when it was all about fathers and daughters. No outside influences. The places we would go and the things we would see. Then I recall the terrible day the policeman stood at the door preparing to tell me the awful news. And I get angry that even when I am filled with warm and fuzzies and memories, reality checks in and the pain consumes once again.

Happy Fathers Day dad. I really hope you knew how much I loved you. I wonder if you know just how much I miss you. How I still go to pick up the phone to tell you something. How I cannot erase your number from my phone book or email contacts. Cos to erase them is to let go. And I don't want to let you go, not ever.

I LOVE YOU.